Another one of my favorite parts of "The Pioneer Woman" is her section titled "The Humiliation Chronicles". I can really related to her! I have so many of these moments! Looking back now they're really funny to me...so I'll take a cue from her and share one that some of you may have heard before.
This is the tale of the misplaced panties...
In sixth grade I was what could be considered a very passionate kid. I was convinced that I was to find true love before I became a 14 year old "Old Maid". There were a couple of eighth grade boys that were my targets for this true love. In true stalker fashion I mapped out their daily passing period paths and planned my own in order to "coincidentally" cross paths with them as much as possible. (Especially on days when I had a new pair of leather tasseled loafers and a GAP vest on).
One of these paths required that I walk around the exterior perimeter of the school so I could casually bump into them as they exited the building to come to a class in a portable. One day as I was strutting my stuff alone (because this path was totally out of the way for all my classmates) I noticed something pulling at the bottom of my pants. I shook my leg a little and out dropped a pair of my panties onto the sidewalk! AHHH! Panic ensued. I could hear from around the corner the door opening and voices nearing. I had to think quick...what should I do?
I couldn't put the panties in my book bag because they would easily be discovered when I got to my next class and had to take out my books. I couldn't fit them in my pocket because I hadn't discovered thongs yet and granny panties are larger than Guess jeans pockets. I was left with one choice...to shove the panties up the gutter.
That's right...there next to me was the spout of the rain gutter. Just before they rounded the corner I managed to get the panties safely in the gutter. Safely until it rained a week later and my wet panties were stuck to the sidewalk right where all my fellow middle schoolers would wait for their moms to pick them up. For days I made comments to my friends like "Ew gross! Who would leave their panties on the sidewalk?" No one ever knew they were mine...until now. So to the janitor that probably had to scrape them up and throw them away, "I'm sorry. I had no other choice".
Bleak But Beautiful by The Pioneer Woman
1 day ago